Marrying creation and death.

The gemini that exists in all of us, whether the stars say so or not.

Oct 11, 2024

PART I

I am writing to you from airplanes and airports, on my way home to Portland from Joshua Tree, on a mission to distill into words my recent desert experience. I am moving north today with an intention to carry forth the alignment and utter freedom that I felt while in California. I am also here with a hope to share the bright, honest aliveness of my past few days in conjunction with a dark, equally honest aliveness that I experienced over the summer. The words currently existing in me all marry creation and death. Duality. The gemini that exists in all of us, whether the stars say so or not.

Joshua Tree is a place that I return to year after year, but this time around I have Yan Palmer and Ryan Muirhead to thank for my October pilgrimage. If you do not already know Yan and Ryan, I think that you should, so let me introduce you.

Yan Palmer. I have obsessed over her art for years now. Yan’s film photographs move me in an earthquake meets heaven kind of way. Her images shake my soul, pull me to the roots of the earth, and then bounce me back up until I am as close as can be to floating. She lets me float, ALMOST, for there always remains an unbreakable string leading to the depths. Her work leaves me suspended. I find Yan’s photographs to be nearly transcendent. Nearly. And it is in that almost and nearly part where I feel the ache, a hurt wrapped in beauty. I suppose that is a wordy way of telling you that Yan’s images make me FEEL, and that they are wildly beautiful to digest. On top of being a photographer, Yan is a gifted teacher, writer, speaker and a really fun person to get all deep with during a long, late into the evening conversation.

Ryan Muirhead. In Ryan I found a friend and an artist who goes to the darkest place in the day to find the light within it. Wherever that sliver, that bounce of light in a sea of grey resides, there you will find Ryan making something raw and real. Ryan’s artwork, story and journey provided me with a permission that I did not know I had been looking for, and that I had not yet been able to give myself. How that will unfold in my work remains to be seen, but I know that I have been changed for the better. I also found out that Ryan has spent many nights in the house that I now call my home, and I can’t wait to welcome him back.

The rest of the attendees - Jaime, Jennifer, Klayne, Lexi, Rachael and Tai, plus our Art House host Richelle Rich - brought the fuel. Yan and Ryan were the match and the container, and everyone else was there to burn. Typically I am the first person to run away from a group activity if I am expected to be a participant, but this week in Joshua Tree was different. The puzzle piece that is me - it fit with these people. Real, true, authentic, weird ME, I could be. We all had so much space for each other, and in that space I think that we all probably felt very free.

I could go on and on. Maybe this newsletter should come out twice a month to better house my musings, but for now I will conclude with saying that if you resonate then I recommend checking out all of these artists. They are real, true, messy in the best way, inspiring human beings.

iphone snap of Ryan, Richelle and Jaime at The Art House.

PART II

In keeping with real and raw, with giving you the truth, I present to you the darker side of summer 2024.

From June thru mid August I was pregnant with multiples, probably triplets, and then I was not. My story is common (aside from the triplet part), and it is brutally hard, but it is not often told. Today I want to tell it not only for me but for all of the women that go through such a thing.

My partner and I have decided that we would like to have a baby. I am 42, coming up on 43, so time is of the essence. In early June, for the first time in my life, we gave this get pregnant idea a real shot, and to our surprise, I become pregnant! That’s how it works, yeah, but we weren’t really expecting it.

I spent June and July being a pregnant person who was dead tired and always hungry with too tight pants. At the end of July I went to see my Midwife to get a glimpse of who was growing in my belly. At that appointment I learned that multiple littles had taken root, but that things did not look good unless, by some off chance, I had become pregnant later then I believed the conception date to be. I left that appointment knowing that chances were slim of a viable pregnancy, but there was also some CRAZY possibility that I could give birth to approximately three babies.

So, I went on home and remained pregnant with what I referred to as maybe babies. My boobs were still sore and my pants didn’t fit, but the future was very unknown.

One week later I had some bleeding but it stopped and I was told that “bleeding is normal and everything is probably fine”.

Two days after that I bled again, a little more with a little cramping. I was certain that I was having a miscarriage but the medical team told me to hold out home that maybe one of the babies survived.

The following night I had a miscarriage from about 12am-4am. It was probably the worst night of my life.

For the following five days I continued to bleed and have bouts of knock-you-on-your-ass cramps in the evenings.

On August 14th I had a long, intense, internal ultrasound (they were inside me for a solid 15 minutes, no exaggeration) to determine if everything was fine.

On August 15th I learned that everything was not fine. My miscarriage was only a partial miscarriage and I still had two gestational sacs inside of me. Also, the bleeding had picked up to the point that it was scary. An abortion, also known as a D&C or Dilation & Curettage was scheduled for the following morning. That day my bleeding increased to the point that I was anemic, light headed and unable to even drive myself to the store to buy products to deal with the amount of blood that was leaving my body. I eventually asked a friend to drive me to the ER.

On August 16th that same friend came with me to the abortion. She sat with me while I endured the most painful experience of my life, watching my uterus be scraped and emptied as I did my best to breath through the pain. When it was all over I was high on who knows what and we stopped for lattes on the way home. My friends were incredible while watching over me and making sure that I had everything I needed, and throughout it all my partner did everything he could from afar to take amazing care of me.

It took about five more weeks for my hormones to level out. After the D&C I was left with weepy eyes, a sad heart, a lot of hormonal grumpiness and an extra five pounds. Everything aside from those five pounds has since returned to normal.

I am telling you all of this for two reasons.

1) So many women experience this, and since I am comfortable talking about it I think that I can be a voice for them. To those who have had this experience, or will, I see you. You are not alone. It fucking sucks, it’s confusing and unfair. I hate that anyone has endured this experience.

2) Politics. This is REAL. If I did not live in a state that offered the health care I needed I really don’t know what would have happened. Maybe I would have bled to death. Maybe I would have had to take a flight to a state that could provide the healthcare I needed at a time when I couldn’t even fathom driving two miles to the grocery store, hoping that I didn’t drip blood on that store’s floor while tying to buy super pads. On top of that, I would have needed someone to go with me! That is messed up. It is wrong. We can not send women to another state for care, especially when they are in a crisis. We also can’t be turning them away until they are either dead or on death’s door. My abortion in August was for a pregnancy that I wanted, and it was a life saving procedure. Friends, readers, please, please, please VOTE. We need you. Look, this country and the world is mess, but only one candidate offers some degree of compassion and hope. Please feel free to use my story, my name, my photo when talking to your family or whomever about voting. Prior to my experience I did not know that a miscarriage procedure was an abortion, and a lot of my friends and family did not know this either. As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.” Knowledge really is power.

To wrap up this portion of the newsletter, I want you to know that I am okay. I feel quite good now. Back to normal but with a learning experience under my belt. I am so thankful to every medical professional who aided me, to my loving partner, my friends, and my counselor for holding my hand though that painful time.

This is life. All of it. We really do contain multitudes.

Image from June, 2024.

September I drove out to the Oregon Coast to make images with Audra Carmine. Audra had put together a Pinterest board full of sun drenched, shadow play inspiration that we were both excited to create from. Mother Nature had different plans though, deciding to gift us with bright fog and mist, no streaks of sun beams in sight. Yet from the haze, Audra and I created our favorite body of work yet (this is our 3rd time working together). Dreamy images that toyed with gravity emerged. In these photos I also see myself, learning to lean into my hard earned comfort behind the camera, while stretching myself to grow. I see myself emerging, taking steps towards the photographer that I will someday be. Ever changing, I appreciate the artist that is and I know that she is planting the seeds for all that is to come. Along the life long path, work that I am proud of is taking shape.

What’s ahead?

We have 20 days left in October to catch that tender fall light with bright, crunchy leaves above and below. Send me a message if you’d like to squeeze in a fall session.

2025 is coming up fast. I am booking maternity, family, newborn, couples, portraits, BTS, tour photography, weddings and elopements for next year. Now is a great time to secure your desired shoot date in my calendar. All future bookings simply require a 25% deposit to reserve your desired date. Payment plans are available upon request. Inquire here.

My upcoming travel schedule.

October - December / OREGON. I am mostly home in Portland through the end of 2024.

Nov 20 - Dec 3 / PARIS. Meet me there? Travel fees are waived.

January - February / NASHVILLE. In an effort to build my Nashville cliental, all Jan & Feb Nashville sessions are $100 off.

2025 / ANYWHERE. Really. Let’s go!

Let's Connect!

A few fun links to some of my new favorite things -

Have you all heard of Nuuly? A few of my friends were raving about this clothing rental site so I gave it a go. Verdit: YES.

This red sweater is on constant rotation in my closet. I love its thick weave and bright pop of color.

Watching - One Day. Do you lean into shows that lead to an all out sob fest, like I do? Oof, this one hits. Get the tissues ready.

After finishing One Day, I started watching Ginny & Georgia per the recommendation of my best friend. This comedy-drama is light hearted enough to be fun, but the story line cuts below the surface to provide the depth I need to keep coming back for more.

Listening - Esther Perel’s interview with Miranda July stayed on my mind long after the conversation was over.

I am also listening to my boyfriend’s new single, Lonely Road. It came out today. I couldn’t be more proud.